Is Choreplay Good for Your Marriage?


You read that correctly. Choreplay. He does chores or maybe something he dislikes in order to gain your favor and score later. It can sometimes be literal chores and goes something like “Look, honey, I did ALL the dishes!” *wink wink*—but other times it’s simply something he does not want to do.

What’s the big deal about that? He went to an event he really didn’t want to attend or did extra chores around the house. Why not offer physical affection in return? Here are three reasons why choreplay may appear to be a good idea but can actually end up harming your sex life—and, eventually, your marriage.


Choreplay makes love a transaction

If you only give love when you receive it, you’re doomed. We must choose love even when we are irritated, angry, fatigued, uninspired, or just not feeling it.

If you treat sex as an exchange of goods, you’re suggesting to your partner that you’re willing to give your body and love only when you receive something. It appears to be harmless until you consider all of the factors (stress, kids, hormones, work) that can throw us off our game. Then we can easily slip into, “Why should I give when I’m not receiving?” and it turns into a transactional marriage.

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If sex could be used as a reward, it could also be used as a punishment

Whenever sex is used to send a conditional message rather than unconditional love, it will seem to your partner that sometimes who they are and what they do is insufficient. Whenever sex is withheld, whether to punish or not, your spouse will feel like it is being done as a way to punish them.

Choreplay contradicts the purpose of sex

The goal of sex is not to get that new piece of furniture you’ve been looking up or to persuade your husband to agree to a girls’ weekend getaway. Bribery does not require the use of sex. Its value is diminished when used as a reward or payment. Sex serves two functions: it creates life and brings a couple together.

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When we begin to dilute the intent of any action, abuse is not far off. Food, for instance, is used to fuel our bodies and provide flavors. When we use food to escape or as a source of comfort, we are more likely to develop eating disorders and relationship issues with food.

Where do we draw the line when we abuse sex? When does using cross the line into abuse?

Don’t misunderstand me. Sex is an excellent opportunity to show your husband that you notice and appreciate his efforts. However, for the sake of your marriage, you must not allow choreplay to be transactional.